The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
