Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
