he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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