She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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