Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
