he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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