dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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