i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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