I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
