I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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