im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
