We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize