I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize