I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
