Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
