When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
