last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
