Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
