I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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