I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
