Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
