First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
