i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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