the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
