The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
