If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Green mimosas i think yes
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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