I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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