Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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