life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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