just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
