Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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