is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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