I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize