The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
