and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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