either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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