I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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