good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
