I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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