Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize