my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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