He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
