Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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