Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
