i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Randomize
