i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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