You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I have fence marks all over my body
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
