Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
