Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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