Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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