I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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