Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
