1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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