i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
