Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
