Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
