woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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