First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Pooping to opera.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
