Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
