I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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