I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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