a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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